Fear Itself
by DonEmilia
Summary: Yes folks, I finally got round to it: Sequel to 'Don't leave me this way'. Sam has a hide time getting over what happened. (SJ) Chapter 6 now up!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fear itself  
  
RATING: G  
  
AUTHOR: Crimson Regret 177  
  
EMAIL: Jeeves177yahoo.co.uk  
  
CATEGORY: Romance/angst  
  
SERIES: Future  
  
SPOILERS: None at the moment  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Star gate isn't mine ::sob sob:: it belongs to those  
  
fabulous people at MGM, Gekko Corp, blah, blah, blah. I'm not making any money from this, if I was, it wouldn't be on ff.net would it, it would be in a book shop somewhere, making me lovely ££.  
  
A/N: Yes folks, I finally got round to it: Sequel to 'Don't leave me this way'. I'm not really sure where it's going, so bear with me, and let me know what you think, and maybe some ideas if you have any. Here it is!! Fear Itself

She pretends she's OK now. She pretends that she isn't afraid. And for the most part, she's pretty convincing. But sometimes, she lets it slip, just a little bit. Like every time she hears the klaxon going off for an incoming traveler, for a few seconds she pales, and I can see the fear. Then as quickly as it comes, she controls it, and it goes away. But it is there. I can see it.

I can't remember the last time she went in the gateroom. Every time, she always comes up with some excuse. An entirely plausible excuse, which manages to satisfy most people, but it's still an excuse.

I look across now, as she's lying in bed next to me, sleeping. She looks so beautiful when she's sleeping. I love to watch her. It's the only time I see her, with such a look of peace in her face. The only time she's ever completely relaxed. As soon as she wakes, all the troubles come rushing back, and her face is lined with worry once again.

It's been 6 months since she got that damn Goa'uld in her. She's actually a lot better than she was. She used to wake up screaming every night from some nightmare, or horrible memory of what she did when Hera was in her. She didn't even set foot in the SGC for 4 months. They tried to send her to some counselor, but she refused. Said she wasn't crazy. She said she was fine. And she made a pretty convincing job. Everyone thinks she's OK now. Sometimes I think Daniel realizes she might not be as OK as she says she is, but I'm the only one who can see she's falling deeper and deeper. That the fear is taking over. And the worst part is; I can't do anything to stop it.

Eventually, when she decided to come back to the SGC, she took up a desk job, working with Felger, and all the other scientists. She enjoys it I know, but she doesn't love it. Not like she loved being on SG1.

She stirs now, opens her eyes, and smiles at me, the first genuine smile I've seen in a long time.

"Morning" she whispers.

"Morning" I say back, stroking her hair. I kiss her lightly, and she runs her fingers through my hair. She's feeling OK, but I know this won't last long.

"You want some breakfast?" I say, and the smile fades.

"No. Thank you, I'm, I'm not really very hungry" I sigh.

"Sam, you have to eat something. You barley eat any more. I wish you'd just tell me what's wrong". She frowns.

"Jack I'm fine. I wish you'd stop worrying all the time, I'm fine" She reinforces. I sigh again.

"Sam, you might be able to convince everyone else you're fine. You might even be able to convince yourself. But you won't fool me. Why won't you just let me help you?"

"Jack, there is nothing to help. I'm fine. At least I would be if everybody left me alone" She says defiantly, but I can hear her voice cracking. She quickly leaves the room, and I can tell she's fighting back the tears.

We're in the car now, going to the base. The atmosphere is so thick; you could cut it with a knife. I turn on the radio, in a futile attempt to provide some sort of excuse for the silence. She stares ahead, deliberately not looking at me.

The saddest thing is, this is the norm for us now. Everyday is always the same. We have some kind of fight about how she's not coping while she insists she is, she doesn't talk to me for the rest of the day, and then by the time she gets home she's too tired to put up a fight anymore, and she lies in my arms every night, weeping. Then the next moring, she'll pretend nothing happened, and the cycle starts all over again.

I always thought, that once I told Sam that I love her, that that would be it, that we'd be happy forever, and their wouldn't be any kind of problems. Don't get me wrong, I love her as much as I ever did. I just didn't know things would be so... hard.

We get to the briefing room now, and I'm surprised to find we are greeted by General Hammond, Daniel and Teal'c, all with grave expressions on their faces.

"What's going on?" I say, knowing something is wrong.

"Colonel, Doctor. Sit down" we both do so, trying to work out what's wrong.

"Approximately 4 hours ago, we received a transmission from SG2. They have been taken hostage by a local tribe on the planet. They contacted us at 6.05 am, with their demands" He takes a deep breath, and looks at Sam. "They are demanding the return of their goddess, Hera"

TBC

Let me know what you think, please r n r, let me know if you want more!


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the sweet reviews, unfortunately I'm not going to be able to update as often as I'd like, as I'm really busy at the moment because exams have started (eek). Please bear with me also, as I'm not quite sure where this story is going. If anyone has any ideas please let me know!!  
  
"Approximately 4 hours ago, we received a transmission from SG2. They have been taken hostage by a local tribe on the planet. They contacted us at 6.05 am, with their demands" He takes a deep breath, and looks at Sam. "They are demanding the return of their goddess, Hera"

Chapter 2

She hasn't said anything yet. Hammond started going through this plan they had formulated to get Sam to be bait while they went in and rescued SG2. When Hammond told her, she went deathly pale, and left the room, not even bothering to ask permission to leave.

I found her a few minutes later at her desk, her head in her hands. She wasn't crying though. Just staring straight ahead, the look of terror on her face worse than any tears.

"Jack, I can't do it" She says, not even looking at me, just staring straight ahead. She turns for the first time, and I can see small tears forming in her eyes. "Jack please don't make me. I can't, I really can't" she starts sobbing now, and I wrap my arms around her as she sobs.

She looks up at me now, wiping the tears away furiously. I've never seen her like this before. I've never seen her so scared by anything, and I know that I can't persuade her to do anything. Because I promised I'd never hurt her, and I know that doing something like this would kill her. So instead, I just hold her, and tell her it will all be OK. That she doesn't have to do anything.

"I'm sorry" She says, eventually.

"For what?" I say, as I really can't think of anything she has to be sorry for.

"For being so pathetic. For putting you through all this crap. You must hate me" I really can't believe what she's saying, so I take her hands gently, and get her to look at me for the first time.

"Sam, listen to me. I love you. I always have, and I always will. And you are definitely not being pathetic; you were host to a Goa'uld for crying out loud. I think that means you can cry a little. And I definitely don't hate you. The only thing I hate is what this is doing to you. Sam, I wish you just tell me how you feel, not keeping it from me all the time". She takes a deep breath, and looks at me.

"Every time I close my eyes, I see her. I see what she did. I see her murdering thousands of innocent people. I see what she did to you. To everyone. I see the pain in people's eyes as she tortured them. And the worst part is, every dream always ends the same. I look in the mirror, and it's me staring back. I did all those things. I did them" And with that she begins sobbing again. "And when I came back, I was so scared that you would hate me. I didn't care about anyone else, but I was terrified you would hate me. I was so scared you would leave".

"Sam, that wasn't you. None of that was you. That was a Goa'uld, who just happened to look like you. It wasn't you. You're not to blame. You didn't do anything" She looks at me, and for the first time, I see the old Sam, the one that I fell in love with.

"Look Sam, no one will force you to do this. It's something that you have to make your own mind up about. But whatever you decide to do. I'll be there. I won't leave. Ever. You really think I'm going to let you get away that easy? No, you're stuck with me for life" She smiles very slightly, only a flicker of a smile, but enough to tell me that what I said has sunk in. She takes a deep breath.

"I'll do it" She says.

"You sure this is what you want?"

"I'm sure" she says, and I know she's telling the truth. She looks scared as hell, but I know she wants to do it.

"We'd better go tell the others then".

TBC

You know the drill, please r n r, just to tell me what you think, if I should carry on or not.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for the lovely reviews, they are really sweet. My first exam is tomorrow – English, would you believe, so I am practicing my creative writing. At least, that's my excuse if anyone asks why I'm not revising, lol. Anyway, here's chapter 3!!

* * *

"I'll do it" She says.

"You sure this is what you want?"

"I'm sure" she says, and I know she's telling the truth. She looks scared as hell, but I know she wants to do it.

"We'd better go tell the others then".

* * *

Chapter 3

I watch her changing in to the costume that Daniel gave her. Apparently we have to make this really convincing, so she had to get dressed up as a Goa'uld. She also had to be taken to the planet in handcuffs, as she's meant to be our prisoner.

I watch looking at herself is the mirror, trying to decide if she looks like a Goa'uld or not. I watch her as she takes her engagement ring off, like she does every morning, and slips on to the same chain as her dog tags. She always does this before a mission, because she's terrified of losing it. But she says that wearing it on her dog tags chain means it's close to her heart.

She turns to face me now. She's white with fear, and looks faintly sick. I take her hands in my own. They're freezing. I squeeze them slightly, and she smiles in response.

"No matter what happens, I love you" I say to her, and she wraps her arms around me tightly.

"I know" She says "I love you too" I'm not sure how long we've been standing like this, just holding on to each other. It could have been five minutes; it could have been half an hour. All I know is that we stayed like that until we eventually spring apart as Daniel steps in to the room.

We made a promise to each other when we first got together that we would remain completely professional on base: she would call me "sir"; I would call her "Carter". Stuff like that. But she looked so lost and terrified that I couldn't help it this time. Daniel looks at us and clears his throat.

"You ready to go?" He says gently, taking in the dress she is wearing, and the voice synthesizer thing they've hooked her up to, to make her sound like a Goa'uld. Sam nods her head, and lets go of my hand.

We walk silently towards the gate room, and as her breath quickens I remember this is the first time she's been in there since we brought her back from that damn planet. As we step in to the gate room, I take her hand again, not caring if it's damn professional or not. She nods gratefully.

"SG1, you have a go" Comes Hammond's voice from the control room, and we step up to the ramp.

"You're ready??" I say to her.

"I'm ready" She replies, and we step through the gate.

TBC

* * *

Sorry it was a bit short, but I am really busy. Please r n r, to let me know what you think, and if you have any ideas, as I have serious writer's block with this story!!


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for the reviews; they really mean a lot to me. I'd especially like to thank Grav, who gave me some great ideas – if you have any more, keep them coming!!

* * *

"You're ready??" I say to her. "I'm ready" She replies, and we step through the gate.

* * *

Chapter 4  
  
As we step on to the ground of the planet, I let go of his hand, and give him a nod to tell him I'm OK. He gives me a slight smile, and we carry on walking as soon as Daniel and Teal'c step through.  
  
We're greeted almost immediately by a rather ugly looking local, brandishing a spear at Jack, and yelling something at him that only Daniel appears to understand.  
  
"Jack, they er... want you to give up your prisoner" He says nervously.  
  
"Daniel, tell them I will when I see SG2" Jack says slowly, looking at me. I know he doesn't mean any of this, that he isn't going to give me up, but it still makes me nervous. Daniel says this to the man, and he mutters something angrily, and gives a signal to follow him.  
  
We walk for what feels like hours, and I feel increasingly more terrified. All I want is for Jack to put his arms round me and tell me it will be OK, but I know this is impossible. Instead I have to settle for the occasional reassuring glance, where I give him a nod, pretending I'm OK. The fear is now welling up inside of me uncontrollably, and it's all I can do not to run.  
  
We get to a small clearing, filled with little huts. The surrounding area is filled with people. They gaze up at me in awe, and shoot hate filled looks at Jack. He doesn't appear to notice, but I can tell by the way his hand is resting on his P90 that he isn't sure about this.  
  
SG2 are brought out of the biggest hut, struggling all the way. Their faces light up when they see us, they know they are saved. I begin to smile at them, and then realize that a Goa'uld wouldn't smile at SG2, and stop myself.  
  
Another of the locals comes out of the same hut as SG2. He looks about twice as big and twice as scary.  
  
"You are the leader?" He says to Jack. Jack nods. "Give us back our goddess" He yells at Jack. He begins to release me from the handcuffs, looking at me as he does it. I go through the plan in my head – he will take SG2 back, and then a few hours later I will leave the planet, saying to these people that I have urgent business, and come straight back to the SGC. They would never dare question their goddess. It's a fool proof plan. So why do I have such a feeling of dread about it?  
  
Jack releases me, and I walk slowly over to the locals. They bow down in front of me, which feels so weird.  
  
"My lady Hera, we are so please to have you with us once more, away from the Tau'ri scum" he says, never daring to look me in the face.  
  
"**Thank you**" I say, my voice sounding so weird with that voice synthesizer thing on. "**You have... er... served me well**"  
  
"What would you like us to do with these Tau'ri" he says, waving his spear at them. "Shall we kill them, my lady?" He says.  
  
"**No**!" I yell accidentally, and he looks at me suspiciously.  
  
"**I mean, er...you made a deal, with er... these Tau'ri scum, and um... you must stick to it**" Still he looks at me suspiciously, and suddenly I get a flash of inspiration "**Do you dare question your goddess**?" I say to him, trying to sound angry. He throws himself down on the floor.  
  
"No! My goddess never! Never would I question your wise judgment" He yells something in his own language, and SG2, and the rest of SG1 are taken back to the gate. He turns to me again, and drops to his knees. "You had best prepare yourself my lady" He says to me again.  
  
"**For what**?" I say sharply.  
  
"For your husband, the almighty Zeus. He is coming for you my queen. He has been searching high and low for you. He wishes to bring you home".  
  
TBC

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As always, please r n r let me know what you think!!


	5. Chapter 5

Well exams are FINALLY over, which means I should be able to update this story more often, as I now suddenly seem to have a lot of spare time on my hands.

* * *

"You had best prepare yourself my lady" He says to me again.  
  
"**For what**?" I say sharply.  
  
"For your husband, the almighty Zeus. He is coming for you my queen. He has been searching high and low for you. He wishes to bring you home".

* * *

A cold wave of fear courses through me as I suddenly realize what he is saying. Why does this always happen? Why can't anything just be simple? I guess I should prepare myself for stuff like this when Jack O'Neill is my CO and my fiancé. I start to shake slightly as I try to think of something to do, something to say, but my mind's gone blank. Where the hell is Jack when you need him?  
  
"**I er... I do not have time to meet my lord**" I say shakily "**I have urgent business I must see to immediately**".  
  
"But my queen, his specific orders were to make sure you were brought to him. You would not wish to disobey him would you?" Just as he says this, I feel the earth start to shake, and a slow rumbling in the distance. He turns round and smiles.  
  
"He is here, my queen"

* * *

I've been waiting in the gate room for three hours now. She should've been back long before this. Something's wrong. I keep looking up expectantly at General Hammond, willing him to say I can go back, but all he keeps saying is to wait a bit longer. I can't wait any longer. I get up, and start to get geared up. Daniel and Teal'c do the same.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill what the hell are you doing?" He says angrily.  
  
"Going to get my 21C back sir" I say, not looking at him. Suddenly feeling a little guilty (probably from hanging round with Sam too long) I look at him.  
  
"General, I have to go. I have to make sure she's alright.  
  
"As do I" says Teal'c stepping up beside me.  
  
"Er... yeah, me too" Daniel says nervously. I shoot them both grateful looks.  
  
"Very well" He says, sighing "Go get her back"

* * *

I step in to the ring platform, the fear now uncontrollable. As soon as he sees me, he's going to realize that I'm not a Goa'uld. And he's going to kill me. And I'll never see Jack again. And that thought hurts more than any other. I know I've hurt him so much over the last couple of weeks, and I don't know why he puts up with it. All I know is that however much pain I feel right now, it would be ten times worse if I hadn't had Jack.  
  
"My queen, please follow me" He says once we are in the ring room. He leads me down corridors I know so well, this being exactly like any other mother ship I've ever been on, except the writing on the walls is different, something I presume to be ancient Greek.  
  
We finally stop when we get to a large room at the front of the ship. A Jaffa steps out, and bows to me.  
  
"He is ready for you, my queen"

* * *

We get to the planet, to be immediately greeted by masses of Jaffa, all pointing staff weapons at us.  
  
"Well this is new" I say "Tell me guys, what's the weather like?"  
  
We're taken up to a large mother ship, and all the time my mind is racing. Where's Sam? Is she on this ship too? Have they realized she's not a Goa'uld? All these questions running through my head, and no damn answers.

* * *

I go in to the room, and see him sitting on a throne like chair in the middle of the room. I walk slowly towards him, all the time wondering how close I have to be before he'll realize. I get to the foot of his throne, and bow.  
  
"**My lord, it is a relief to see you once more**"  
  
"**Indeed**" He says, fixing me with a deep, piercing stare. Suddenly, there is the smallest flash of recognition, which disappears as quickly as it came. It's left by a small, smug smile. He knows, I can tell. So why isn't he saying anything?  
  
"**Sit down my queen**" He gestures to the chair opposite "**See what gifts I bring for you**" He waves his hand at a Jaffa, who leaves the room.  
  
"**Gifts my lord**?" I say, slightly panicking. Whatever it is, it can't be good.  
  
"**To mark your safe return my love, I have brought you these gifts, to with what you wish"**. And with that, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c are brought forward.  
  
"**The Tau'ri scum that held you captive for all this time my love. You may execute them as you wish**".  
  
TBC

* * *

Well please r n r let me know what you think!! 


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry it's taken so long to update, but I really do have serious writers block with this story, which I hate. As I appear to be getting no where with it, I'm going to try and wrap it up quickly, within a few chapters. As always, please r n r!!  
  
Jack, Daniel and Teal'c are brought forward.  
  
"**The Tau'ri scum that held you captive for all this time my love. You may execute them as you wish**".

* * *

"**Execute, my lord**?" I say, staring straight at Jack, silently pleading that he has some kind of plan, but by the look on his face I'm guessing that he doesn't. The only thing I can do is stall a little time. "**Er... I am too tired at the moment my lord. Will you, hold them captive until I am well again**".  
  
"**I will take them. I wish to ask them a few... questions**" says a female Goa'uld that I have only just noticed, gliding in from the corner of the room. "**My lady Hera**" she says, bowing "**It is an honour to be with you once more**"  
  
Zeus frowns slightly, and considers what I said. This is it, I think, this is when he's going to tell me he knows, then he's going to kill me, and Jack and Daniel, and Teal'c. All this is going through my head while I try to look him in the eye.  
  
"**Very well, my queen**" he nods at the female Goa'uld, and she and some Jaffa lead them out.  
  
"**Leave us**" he says to the rest of the Jaffa, and they march out. It's just me and him. Oh god, this is where he's going to kill me. He rises, and stands in front of me.  
  
"**Doctor Carter, I presume**?" he asks. "**My name is Tak'ma. I am Tok'ra**". As I realize what he has just said, a tidal wave of relief washes over me and I can't help but smile.  
  
"**Oh thank god, I really thought I was in trouble there for a second**". His face remains serious though. "**Why are you pretending to be a Goa'uld anyway?**"  
  
"**Dr. Carter, O'Neill is in grave danger**".

* * *

I, Daniel and Teal'c are lead once again down an Oh-so-familiar looking corridor.  
  
"You know, this is getting really old!" I yell to the Goa'uld in front.  
  
"**Silence**" She yells back. I do a quick scan round, looking for some way to escape, but I can't see anything. I'm trying desperately not to think about Sam and the danger that she's in. He must know she's not a Goa'uld. He has to. So why isn't he doing anything?  
  
We get to a small room, complete with a throne, and one or two Jaffa. There's another Goa'uld sitting there. Oh great, I think. Just great. He signals for the Jaffa to leave the room, and rises from his throne.  
  
"**Welcome O'Neill**". She says, smiling. I don't like this. I do not like this. "**My name Marea. I am a Tok'ra operative. I have been sent to spy on Zeus. I am here to help you escape. But first, I need to tell you, Dr. Carter is in trouble**".

* * *

"**Grave danger?**" I ask, not knowing what he is talking about.  
  
"**The Goa'uld that took them away. I do not know whether she knows you no longer carry a symbiote or not, but she still thinks I am a Goa'uld, which is why I must keep up this pretence. Dr. Carter, she will kill the rest of SG1**".

"Then why the hell did you just let them go with her?" I yell, a bit louder than I intended to.  
  
"**Dr. Carter, I must keep up the pretence as long as I can. The Goa'uld's name is Hestia. She was servant to Hera when you carried her, and is determined to see her return to power once more. She wishes to kill O'Neill, for he is the one that captured Hera. I have been sent to spy on her, as Zeus, in the hope of gathering information on her plans. I did not expect to see you on this ship**".  
  
"You sent for me!" I yelled again "I was about to escape from the planet when the locals said you wanted me!"  
  
"**Dr. Carter, that was not me. It must have been Hestia**".  
  
"We have to go stop her from killing them".  
  
"**Do not be irrational Dr. Carter. Hestia has several guards with her. We cannot go charging in there if we expect to suffer no casualties. We must be clever about this**".

* * *

"What do you mean, she's in trouble?" I yell, getting more and more scared every minute. "I now she's in damn trouble, she's the prisoner of her ex- husband Goa'uld for crying out loud"  
  
"**Please, let me explain. My name is Marea. I was a spy on Hera's ship when she was Dr. Carter's symbiote. It was I who got a message to Malek and told the SGC where she was. When she was safely returned to the SGC, I began to work as a spy in Zeus's ranks, secretly feeding information to the Tok'ra of his movements. I did not foresee this happening though. O'Neill, it is doubtless he knows she no longer carries Hera's symbiote. And when he has found out all the necessary information he needs from her, he will kill her**".  
  
TBC 


End file.
